What more could I give? I was a Baptist minister’s wife and had served God and his people for nearly 20 years. Really, what more could God ask for? I met with him daily in prayer and Bible reading. I prayed for God to speak to me and to use me as he wished. I taught the Bible and led others to follow Jesus. I taught my kids to love Jesus. I served and did everything any woman could do as a pastor’s wife and one who is called by God to serve him. Or so I thought.
Following God
One day during my Bible reading and conversation with God, I felt a near audible. I had just prayed, “Lord, use me. Not my will, but yours be done. I am yours. I will follow you.” Then a deep movement stirred me. The common everyday spot in my home all of a sudden seemed . . . different. Everything faded from focus and all I could hear was, “Do you mean it? Will you follow me?”
Whoa. That just didn’t happen. Did it? Fear ran through my veins. I couldn’t respond.
Agitated and no longer able to sit, I stood. Paced the floor. I must be loosing it.
After a few minutes of all the Bible stories of God speaking repeating in my head, I settled on doing what Samuel did. I went back to try to re-enter the conversation. As I sat back down, I wondered where this was going. I re-read the Bible reading and said, “Okay, Lord. Speak again. I’m here.” Or like Samuel, “Speak, Lord. Your servant listeneth.”
There it was again. I heard, “Will you follow me?”
Being a sort of newbie at this way weird situation, I looked around. Could anyone else hear this? Then looked at the Bible again and said, “Uh . . . yes, Lord, I will follow you.”
“Really? Will you follow me?”
I paused. What does he want? How is this happening? “Yes . . . Why, Lord? Why do you ask?”
My mind raced. What is he going to ask of me? Will I do it . . . no matter what?
His “Did you mean it? Will you follow me?” reverberated through my mind. I thought I meant it when I said I’d follow him. But . . .
Then with much more pointed clarity, “Will YOU,” he paused for emphasis, “follow me?”
Faint Hearted
Oh no. I thought of all the bad, horrible things that God could call me to do. I might loose my life. My family. My friends. Or my respect.
Bingo. Bells went off. That’s what I really struggled with. Pride.
What if God called me to do something that my ministry friends would think was not proper for a Baptist minister’s wife. With all the issues about women and ministry, all of a sudden I felt like God was going to push me to the limits and the many friends that I respected would no longer like me or see me as a good Christian pastor’s wife. Rather they might think of me as one who is way out of line according to their viewpoint of scripture. I feared this with all that is in me. I’m Baptist. I bleed tried and true Baptist. It’s a blood from generations past that includes circuit-riding ministers and denominational servants. What ridicule I might face.
I can see the gossip channel now. Robin Bryce went off the deep end. Turned fanatic. Nobody in their right mind does what she’s doing. How embarrassing for her kids. And what about her husband? Why won’t the church discipline her? My friends probably won’t return my phone calls or they’ll avoid me in Wal-Mart. It’s going to be horrible.
With all my insecurity, I felt that God was asking me to forget my background and my religion, and to follow him in a living relationship. I had to count the cost right then. I couldn’t postpone the decision a day to think on it. I couldn’t call my friends and ask what they think about it. I had to decide now. Would I obey God no matter what?
I wrestled. Fought the what-ifs. Struggled with the no-matter-whats. And concluded that I would be better off with God than against him. Even if I was alone with God and everyone else was against me, I would be okay. Years ago, I thought I had answered God’s four worded question, “Will you follow me?” But this was a much deeper, more costly question and answer.
photo credit: Paul Stainthorp
Living Relationship
“Yes, Lord. I will follow you. Wherever and whatever, I would rather be with you, than doing things my own way without you. But, Lord. You have to promise me that you won’t leave me. I can’t do as you ask alone. I need you. Will you promise to go with me?”
It was then I felt his smile. He reminded me of his promises that were already written. “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
That moment was so surreal. As my home came back into focus, I eagerly awaited directions and wondered where God was going to take me.
Daily, I look for God’s hand of direction. This is how I live. Why I do what I do. God gives me directions through our living relationship and I do my best to follow him. I’m not perfect. I mess up. And often I’m gripped with fear. Sometimes the direction is a step into the dark and unknown–a place where there’s nothing but God’s hand. In those times I can sense another question of his, “Do you trust me?”
The room moved out of and back into focus years ago and my life has been a grand adventure ever since. My senses are fully alive. My emotions, intense. And my faith, strengthened. Following God is not for the faint of heart.
What fears keep you from following God? How do you make a practice of hearing God? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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Powerful post, Robin! I was especially struck by the line about forgetting your religion and following Him in a living relationship. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks, Lynetta. I’m glad the post touched you. I’m all about living in relationship.
Pleased to call you friend.
Robin, you always challenge me to listen better, go further, and just do what He says. Thank you. I love you, even if you are an improper pastor’s wife. 🙂
I can be counted on to be several things. My momma always said I was challenging. And I’ll never fit the proper pastor’s wife mold, if there even is one. Vonda, you’re the sweetest southern gal I know. Love ya!