After the blue moon on New Years Eve, I had a blue Monday. Ever had one of those days where it seems you have nothing to offer? Maybe it was the yuckyness of getting back to work, or a resolution that I didn’t want to make. It could’ve been confusion over what to do or not really wanting to do what I should. Whatever the reason I felt directionless, passionless and pointless.
The dread of Monday built as it approached and hit full force that morning. On Sunday I sent an email to a ministry friend, Renae Brumbaugh, explaining my disillusionment.
I wrote,
I’ve got to rethink my life.
I’m praying this evening and next morning to decide what God wants me to focus and work on for this next year, six months, spring, and this month.
I need his clear direction.
I need him.
I’m so needy.
This adventure with him is difficult.
I would turn around if I could, but I don’t know how.
Somehow, I have to turn off my wishes and listen to his directions. I often wish I could hear him audibly, that we could sit and have coffee together over a calendar and a notepad. That I could look into his eyes, see his smile, his tears, his pain and his magnificent love.
I want to be in his presence so very badly. I need him.
I’d give everything I had for time with him. I would rather meet him in the secret place than all this speaking and writing, leading and mentoring.
I desire him!
Can’t I just have more of him and forget this ministry?
(sigh)
Let’s take a journey together.
Like a quest in The Lord of the Rings, let’s go find God in his sanctuary. Let’s find him at his table. Let’s search for his delicacies that won’t ruin our diet. Let’s make a pact. Let’s do this thing. Are you with me? Let’s go.
I woke up Monday feeling like my hands were tied, my mind was in a fog, and my ability was inadequate. The Monday slump was a shadowy valley with no map or internal sense of where to step, what to do or how to think. The shadow may have been some outside force. I didn’t know anything else to do but pray. Most of the day was spent seeking God, following through with what I said in the email.
Nothing.
A faint, “Do those things you were last supposed to do,” whispered across my fog.
I prayed and tried writing and planning the projects, articles, and interviews from before the holidays.
Still disillusioned.
Workout. I decided to go workout, get the blood flowing. Maybe then the fog would lift. After the workout, I had dinner.
Nothing. Nothing was working. Maybe I should go back to being a wife and mom and forget this ministry, this headache.
After 9:00 p.m. the phone rang. Edna Winkler, a SBTC Area Missions Coordinator who booked me for an event two years ago, called to say I was on her mind, and had been for over a week. She had been praying for me during that time and couldn’t go to sleep until she found out how I was doing. She had called the office of local churches to see if they had heard anything. When that turned up nothing, she had found my number and called.
She encouraged me saying my ministry touched many lives, hers included. She believed many more were yet to be touched. She told me not to give in or listen to the discourager, Satan. Then she told a story from one of her struggles.
I prayed. I thought I was giving my problem to God. I felt oppressed. An evil darkness lingered for two weeks. Then I said, “God I can’t do this anymore!” I gave up and the oppression lifted. I guess I didn’t really give it to God while I struggled with it in prayer.
She ended our conversation with a commitment to pray for me and help in any way. I was in tears. My God is so good to give me all I need, a phone call as his audible voice over a warm cup, and his eyes filled with love.
May God show himself and his love to you in your days ahead.
Sweet Robin,
Your honesty spurs me on to honesty. Your disillusion exposes mine. Your heart’s cry is what I want more than anything…to want Him more.
I say I want Him, but do I? Do I really? I feel like the father who said, “I believe! Help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). Only my cry is, “I want you! Oh God, help me want you!”
Thank you for always pointing me to Jesus.
I love you, my precious friend…
Vonda
Thank you, Vonda. Your words do the same for me. Your post, The Sin That Hinders in 2010 quoting Francis Frangipane is powerful.
For the readers the quote was, “If our devotion to our task exceeds our devotion to Him, He will personally hinder our success.”
Wow, check out Vonda’s post.
Thank you, Vonda, for your insightful words.
I, too, thank you for your honesty. I believe our Father thanks you also. I’m at the other end of your spectrum – I just made my publication debut, my website is almost complete and I am a regular on Vonda’s site. I’m trying to soak up knowledge like a kindergartner and prepare for this ride called Women’s Ministry. With all my excitement and wonder at watching a 20 year calling come to fruition, part of me is scared to death! I’m filled with questions: Can I handle this? Can I keep my priorities straight – my life in balance? Do I REALLY have to travel by myself? That’s when I cast all my imaginations away and bring my thoughts captive to the One who made me. I know my Jesus will shed His light and grace on each step of the way. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you might think of me every once in a while.
With joy,
Nan Jones
Congratulations, Nan.
God’s promise to me today might encourage you. He will give us what we need when we need it, not a minute before. We have no need to worry or ponder our vain imaginations. GOD is faithful to take care of our every need as it arises. Travel alone, no biggie with God. Fear of the unknown, no problem God knows.
I must remember this promise and act accordingly. Yes, let’s pray for each other in our journey with God.
Thank you for sharing your transparency.
God Bless.