After the blue moon on New Years Eve, I had a blue Monday. Ever had one of those days where it seems you have nothing to offer? Maybe it was the yuckyness of getting back to work, or a resolution that I didn’t want to make. It could’ve been confusion over what to do or not really wanting to do what I should. Whatever the reason I felt directionless, passionless and pointless.
The dread of Monday built as it approached and hit full force that morning. On Sunday I sent an email to a ministry friend, Renae Brumbaugh, explaining my disillusionment.
I wrote,
I’ve got to rethink my life.
I’m praying this evening and next morning to decide what God wants me to focus and work on for this next year, six months, spring, and this month.
I need his clear direction.
I need him.
I’m so needy.
This adventure with him is difficult.
I would turn around if I could, but I don’t know how.
Somehow, I have to turn off my wishes and listen to his directions. I often wish I could hear him audibly, that we could sit and have coffee together over a calendar and a notepad. That I could look into his eyes, see his smile, his tears, his pain and his magnificent love.
I want to be in his presence so very badly. I need him.
I’d give everything I had for time with him. I would rather meet him in the secret place than all this speaking and writing, leading and mentoring.
I desire him!
Can’t I just have more of him and forget this ministry?
(sigh)
Let’s take a journey together.
Like a quest in The Lord of the Rings, let’s go find God in his sanctuary. Let’s find him at his table. Let’s search for his delicacies that won’t ruin our diet. Let’s make a pact. Let’s do this thing. Are you with me? Let’s go.
I woke up Monday feeling like my hands were tied, my mind was in a fog, and my ability was inadequate. The Monday slump was a shadowy valley with no map or internal sense of where to step, what to do or how to think. The shadow may have been some outside force. I didn’t know anything else to do but pray. Most of the day was spent seeking God, following through with what I said in the email.
Nothing.
A faint, “Do those things you were last supposed to do,” whispered across my fog.
I prayed and tried writing and planning the projects, articles, and interviews from before the holidays.
Still disillusioned.
Workout. I decided to go workout, get the blood flowing. Maybe then the fog would lift. After the workout, I had dinner.
Nothing. Nothing was working. Maybe I should go back to being a wife and mom and forget this ministry, this headache.
After 9:00 p.m. the phone rang. Edna Winkler, a SBTC Area Missions Coordinator who booked me for an event two years ago, called to say I was on her mind, and had been for over a week. She had been praying for me during that time and couldn’t go to sleep until she found out how I was doing. She had called the office of local churches to see if they had heard anything. When that turned up nothing, she had found my number and called.
She encouraged me saying my ministry touched many lives, hers included. She believed many more were yet to be touched. She told me not to give in or listen to the discourager, Satan. Then she told a story from one of her struggles.
I prayed. I thought I was giving my problem to God. I felt oppressed. An evil darkness lingered for two weeks. Then I said, “God I can’t do this anymore!” I gave up and the oppression lifted. I guess I didn’t really give it to God while I struggled with it in prayer.
She ended our conversation with a commitment to pray for me and help in any way. I was in tears. My God is so good to give me all I need, a phone call as his audible voice over a warm cup, and his eyes filled with love.
May God show himself and his love to you in your days ahead.
*Pic by science.nasa.gov
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